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So yeah, I almost DIED today but obviously...I survived

Sep 21, 2011

 As I began to fall into thoughts of NOT having
anything interesting to write and report...
I got into an accident today.
The ingredients for disaster were all there
however with a sweet bit of luck on my side

an inch

saved my life.

 
My upper right thigh's busted up

**Gonna be a hell of a bruise**
(pics to come)

and my left shin.
 
The reason I'm writing is because I found it quite
interesting, how even though the pain was

MONUMENTAL
 

I didn't cry.

Just said "FUCK" a whole hell of a lot.
(Told you, I'm not a physical cryer. Comes from the tomboy years
that have failed to leave and holding back tears
from beatings when I was younger.

Like, "FUCK YOU, that don't hurt.")
 

Today though, after most of the adrenaline subsided
and I calmed down a bit
I felt the urge to cry.

???

Even now, 30 mins later, if I put my guards down
they creep up and try to come out.

  
I had a few friends around me at the time who ran to my side.
All I could think about was HOW MUCH WORSE it coulda been.
I guess that realization just HIT my subconscious.

So maybe the tears that wish to flood my cheeks
are tears of joy maybe?
(That it wasn't any worse than it was?)
 
I dunno.
 

What say you?

 
Just goes to show how quickly a second can change someone's life.

(Looking at my younger pics, doesn't help much either. Whenever I see
the cute little thing that used to be me, it makes me think
of my parents and how I wish I could start over. Or, be in those
moments again and cherish each minute with them instead of running away.

I was always running.

Running in every direction BUT theirs.

I KNOW
my life and who I've been throughout the years
isn't what they envisioned when I was joyfully brought into the world...

with so much happiness and hope

and those are the thoughts that sadden me
as I see pics of the adorable little shit that was me.
I can't image what THEY think...when they see pics like this.)

In my eyes, I'm satisfied with the person I am.
But I feel, that I'm a terrible disappointment in theirs.
And that hurts.

**I'm crying now. Grrrrr.**

 
No Kung Fu today.
My Sifu's SERIOUSLY gonna kick me outta the program!

**Back from some lunch**

It's now 2 and a half hours later.
My body still hasn't settled.
When I thought though, if I were to go (yes, DIE)...

(as I'm prepared to do - my best friends have all my passwords to contact
and access accounts to inform those around me - hey, it's ME.
With the way I live, you just never know and EVEN if you weren't
me...

SHIT HAPPENS!)

I smiled.

Smiled at the fact, that if I DID go today...

ALL those I love.

KNOW that I DO.

So, on that note...

Kisses to all of you today.
((((Cyber Hugs))))

~ Yes, I was a cute little fuck. And no, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ~

I love you.

xo Cara xo